From PoA to PoRN
by Jayde and Sirena Lupin
Summary: When young Emily Finch finds a fanfic on the internet, she starts a chain reaction that leads to drastic measures on the part of both JKR and Warner Bros. What are two fanfic authors to do?
1. First Things First

**Title:** From PoA to PoRN (PROLOGUE)

**Author Name:** SpongeBob (AKA The Collective Mind of Jayde and Sirena Lupin)

**Author E-Mail:** iloveseverus@yahoo.com 

**Summary:** When Emily Finch's dad, gaffer extraordinaire on the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban set, finds his daughter reading a disturbing fanfiction on the Internet, he starts a chain reaction of events that bring the authors -- and their minds -- to the set.  JKR wants them to make a great film, but they have a deadline:  The movie must still be out by June 4, 2003.  Can they do it?  Will they kill someone in the process?  Will Jayde ever really get her H/D? (the answers are yes, yes, and no, but not in that order.)

**Rating**: R/NC-17?

**Category**: Humour/Parody

**Warnings**: Slash, het, cross-gen het, cross-gen slash, allusions to incest, teens perving on men old enough to be their (grand)fathers, Slash, crude language, crude humour, sexuality, chains and whips (and not that way!), Slash, naked boys, naked girls, naked household pets, naked wild animals, and the all too often use of the phrase "y tú mama, tambien."  THIS FIC INCLUDES REAL PEOPLE.  Wh00t.

**Archive:** Here, there, and anywhere on request

**Author's Notes:**  Well, we promised we'd write it, didn't we?  The beginning portion of this wondrous fic written at some very obscene hour of the morning with very obscene thoughts in Jayde and Sirena's heads.  The rest of this fic will be written via e-mail, because dear Sirena's going off to Finland.  Because of that, frequent updates aren't, er, planned.  Also, due to the rating and content of this fic, we can't post it to FA (isn't that _sad_?).  It will, however, be on FF.n as well as several yahoo groups.

**_DISCLAIMER:_**  This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  Additionally, this fic uses the names of real people in the credits of the Harry Potter movies (and not just stars, too!).  We do not know these people.  We merely used their names to add a depth to the fic, because if a movie set just had actors and no gaffers, there would be no movie.  Props to Warner and all the people who made the two (three?) movies possible.  We don't mean no harm!

From PoA To PoRN By SpongeBob 

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1Twelve year-old Emily Finch sat at her computer, wide-eyed and giggling, when the urge to shower popped into her mind.  Not bothering to close the Internet Explorer window of fanfiction, she nanced about to the shower where she had an invigorating experience washing her hair with Herbal Essences. 

All would have remained well except that her father, Chuck Finch, gaffer extraordinaire, pranced into the computer room and spotted the open window.  His eyes caught the phrase "No... NO! SEVERUS SNAPE, DO NOT TOUCH ME THERE!"

_'Severus Snape... but Alan...' he thought, puzzled.  In confusion, he decided there was only one way to find out what was going on.  To read the fic from beginning to end..._

***

"I'm telling you," Chuck told Greg Powell the next day, "it was insane! Alan...  He was in a towel, mate.  A _pink_ towel!"

Greg looked up from his Caesar salad.  "Alan?  It was about _Alan?"_

Chuck shook his head.  "Nah," he said, "his character though.  That Snap fellow."

"You mean Snape?"

"Yeah, him," Chuck replied.  He waved a hand dismissively.  "It's not the name that matters, anyways," he said.  "It was what he was doing."

Greg speared a piece of lettuce and looked up at Chuck, curious.  "What could he have _possibly_ been doing?  I mean, it's a children's novel, Chuck!  Not a porn!"

"It was like a porn," Chuck whispered.  "I mean, it wasn't just his wand that he was shaking about the room!"

Greg arched an eyebrow and shoved the salad into his mouth.  "Lemme see that link, would you?" he said around a mouthful of food.  Chuck slid a piece of paper across the table and Greg pocketed it with the hand not busy shovelling food into his mouth.

_'I'll check it out when I get home,' he promised himself silently, _'and see what's got old Chuck all up in arms.'__

***

Check it out, Greg did.  And the next day he was back at work, annoying Laya Arman in just about the same manner that Chuck had bothered him.

 "Read it!" he urged, poking her in the shoulder as a small child would

"What, just so I can blush and lose eye-contact every time I see Alan? I think _not."_

He looked her in the eye. "It's worth it."

She rolled her eyes and shoved the print-out into her folder. "Whatever."

***

"Chuck and Greg already told me, Laya. Don't you start too... I don't want to know about it..."

"Mike... I'm TELLING you... this _changed_ my _life," she said, clutching the battered computer paper._

Michael Barnathan downed another glass of Southern Comfort in one rather ungraceful gulp. "Bloody 'ell, just hand it over then... Spiffy and pink, you say?"

***

"Alan... Alan? Alan!" Mike said, banging furiously on the door to Alan Rickman's trailer.

"Oh, what the bloody fuck is it now?" Alan grumbled, pulling open the door and revealing himself in a fluffy white bathrobe with matching slippers.

Mike developed an odd sort of eye twitch. "Something.... something you should see..." he muttered, tossing a few papers into the hands of the bewildered actor.

***

_'... his appendages squirmed in anticipation' Alan read. "What in the name of codfish...." _

His brow furrowed in concentration as her read the pages the executive producer had thrust at him.

"MADONNA? Honestly..."

"..._spiffy?......**_PINK?_ Why on EARTH have they taken my trousers?"**_

"..._humping?! Molestation of...."_

"Oh GOD! Dumbledore in the nude and..."

Noises such as this flowed freely from Alan's trailer until he finished reading the literary work. At which point he knew there was only one person he could bring it to."

***

"...leave a message at the beep. Thanks and have a magical day"

"Hi Jo... it's Chris Columbus. I'm down at the set and... well... there's something that I think you should see..." he cleared his throat nervously. "Just... um... stop by when you get a chance... or... well... As soon as humanly possible, actually..."

At that point, J. K. Rowling ended her wild sex romp and put on her clothes. To the movie set she went.

***

"No, Jo!  Really!"

Jo sighed and turned around.  "Chris," she said, "I was busy...  Writing the next book.  Yeah, that's what I was doing...  And you called me here to tell me about some crazy fans?  You think I don't _know I have crazy fans?  You think I don't realise the Internet is littered with porn using my precious characters?"_

"But..."  Chris grabbed Jo's right hand and fell to his knees.  "Please, Jo!  For me, if nothing else?"

The authoress pulled her hand away from Chris and rubbed her temples.  "I don't see what is so unique about these girls."

"They made Snape pink and spiffy, Jo."

Jo snatched the folder away from Chris.  "I much prefer _nifty, Chris."_

Chris looked at Jo.  "Jo," he said slowly, as if speaking to a child, "that man was spiffy and there was no denying it."

With a sigh, Jo Rowling fell into a chair and began to read.

***

"What do you mean, you can't track them down?" Jo screeched into the phone.

The man on the other side of the line pulled the phone away from his ear and cringed.  "Ms. Rowling...  They use aliases on the Internet.  We've no way of knowing their real names.  It seems they're called...  SpongeBob on this site your Gaffer gave us.  They use the names Jayde and Sirena Lupin when they post on the message board."

Jo growled from the other side of the room.  "I want you to find those girls, and find them _now!_  I don't care if it bloody well _kills you!_" she screamed, slamming the flip phone shut and hurling it at Chris Columbus, who barely ducked in time.  The phone smashed against the padded wall of the sound studio where Chris had brought Jo when she arrived.  "The nerve of those girls!" she cried.  "Where in the world could they come up with such a thing?"

"I think part of your problem, Jo," Chris said, "is that you believe all children are innocent.  There are some, like those two, who are so utterly corrupt, they spread their blackness onto others-"

Jo gave him a puzzled look.  "What're you talking about?" she asked him.  "I think what they did was bloody brilliant.  Very nervy, very shocking.  Very _brilliant._  I want to talk to the studio, see if I can get those two over here as consultants to work with Alfonso."

Chris could do nothing but blink.  

***

B. S. Mann of AOL Time-Warner slowly pulled his glasses off and rubbed them on his shirt.  Five days ago, Jo Rowling had called the office, frantic.  She had told him she needed to have a word with him, and that she was coming into the country to have it.  Needless to say, Bihg was worried about what Jo had to say.  Last time they had met, she had threatened him with a blunt pencil because he hired Alfonso to direct a children's movie.

Of course, Alfonso and Jo were getting along just fine now.  But that didn't mean that Jo wasn't having a conniption over some line that just didn't sound _right._  They had moral issues.

"Let me get this straight," he said as he slipped the glasses back over his eyes.  "You want us to hire two perverted sixteen year old girls to help Alfonso direct Azkaban?"

Jo looked at Bihg for a second, before lowering her eyes to the floor.  "Yeah," she said, "that's basically what I want."

"The studio has told Alfonso many, many times to keep his scene changes to PG, PG-13 material," Bihg continued.  "Jo, you've told us you don't want the films at higher than a PG-13 rating until the fifth one -- what's it called? --  Harry Potter and the Order of the Pizza?"

The authoress' head snapped up.  "Order of the _Phoenix_," Jo corrected him rather rudely.  "It's Order of the Phoenix, Bihg."

He waved his hand dismissively.  "Whatever it's called, it doesn't matter.   You said you wanted PG, PG-13, Jo.  Why did you suddenly decide that that wasn't good enough?"

A slight blush rushed to Jo's cheeks and she lowered her eyes again.  "A fanfic."

Bihg looked at Jo, dumbstruck.  "A _fanfic_?  A bleeding _fanfic?_  Those things the lawyers were trying to get rid of a few months ago?"

"The very same," Jo said, abashedly.  Her face brightened.  "But, Bihg..."  He pointed to the folder on the desk, "It's the most brilliant thing I've ever read in my life!  Snape!  Pink!  _The word spiffy!_"

Bihg thought that maybe it was because he wasn't British, but he didn't really get it.  "Jo?" he said, cautiously.  "Are you feeling alright?"

Jo's eyes widened.  "I'm feeling rather spiffy, Bihg.  Can I have my girls?  Please?  If I don't, I'll feel that threatening my lawyer and his assistants to find out there real names, addresses, and phone numbers would have been a great waste of time."

Although his mind was screaming _stalker!_, he politely ignored the annoying voice in his head, sighed, and picked up the folder.  "Sure, Jo.  You can have your girls.  But I still want the movie out by June fourth, and I still want you to keep it under an R.  PG-13 at the highest, OK?  Have Mike downstairs write up a contract.  I've got to run to the little boys room."

On his way to the toilet with Jo's folder in hand, Bihg wondered if he had made the wrong choice in letting Jo hire the girls.  He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach, and it wasn't really a good feeling.

***

"_Wow, this was awesome!  You guys rock my sox!  Please, please write more!  I want to know what happens when Hermione finds Snape in the hallway!  And what is going on between Harry and Draco?_  It's from a girl named Emily F., and she's not registered at FA."

Jayde Lupin turned away from the computer screen.  "She liked it, though.  That's about forty for and seven against, isn't it?"

Sirena barely glanced up from her laptop.  "Mmmhmm..." she muttered, and continued tapping on the keys.  

"What've you got so far?" Jayde asked, sliding her computer chair across the room and peering over Sirena's shoulder.

"Just a bit about Snape being stumbled upon.  Hermione's, er, _admiring the view_ right now," Sirena giggled, a huge grin plastered across her face.

"_Admiring the view_?" Jayde boggled.  "Where do you find these phrases?"

Before Sirena had a chance to answer, however, the phone rang.

With a sharp look at the clock, which read 10:21 pm, she jumped up from the swivel chair she had stolen from her parent's computer room and leaped at the phone.  She knocked it off the hook and scrambled for it, trying to both turn it on and pick it up at the same time.

Needless to say, it didn't work very well.  She pressed the talk button on the cordless, but she couldn't seem to pick it up -- the damned thing kept bouncing across the bed away from her.

With a sigh, Sirena picked up the phone.  "Hello?"


	2. Second Things Second

**Title:** From PoA to PoRN (01)

**Author Name:** SpongeBob (AKA The Collective Mind of Jayde and Sirena Lupin)

**Author E-Mail:** iloveseverus@yahoo.com 

**Summary:** When Emily Finch's dad, gaffer extraordinaire on the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban set, finds his daughter reading a disturbing fanfiction on the Internet, he starts a chain reaction of events that bring the authors -- and their minds -- to the set.  JKR wants them to make a great film, but they have a deadline:  The movie must still be out by June 4, 2003.  Can they do it?  Will they kill someone in the process?  Will Jayde ever really get her H/D? (the answers are yes, yes, and no, but not in that order.)

_THIS CHAPTER_:  The girls find out who's on the phone, and hell starts to freeze over.

**Rating**: R/NC-17?

**Category**: Humour/Parody

**Warnings**: Slash, het, cross-gen het, cross-gen slash, allusions to incest, teens perving on men old enough to be their (grand)fathers, Slash, crude language, crude humour, sexuality, chains and whips (and not that way!), Slash, naked boys, naked girls, naked household pets, naked wild animals, and the all too often use of the phrase "y tú mama, tambien."  THIS FIC INCLUDES REAL PEOPLE.  Wh00t.

**Archive:** Here, there, and anywhere on request

**Author's Notes:**  This is chapter one.  If you'd like to read the fic in bits and pieces as the process of writing is going, or you'd like to be a beta reader, please go to .

**_DISCLAIMER:_**  This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  Additionally, this fic uses the names of real people in the credits of the Harry Potter movies (and not just stars, too!).  We do not know these people.  We merely used their names to add a depth to the fic, because if a movie set just had actors and no gaffers, there would be no movie.  Props to Warner and all the people who made the two (three?) movies possible.  We don't mean no harm!  Also, we're not associated with the VMAs, the whorish tongue-kissing between Madonna, Britney, and Christina, or the violation of the wonderful song "Like a Virgin" by the likes of those two...  MTV Floozies.  

From PoA to PoRN 

_By Sponge Bob___

"'Ello, there," said a woman with a British accent on the other end. "Have I reached... ah... one of the Lupins, then?"  
  
Sirena snickered. "Mara, your accent is terrible. You'd better HOPE you can go to England for Basic, because that's just..."  
  
"Pardon me, miss... perhaps I have the wrong number..."  
  
Sirena's eye widened and she bit her lip, shooting a glance at Jayde. "I'm sorry... ah... who were you looking for?"  
  
"Well... Jayde and Sirena Lupin? Dreadfully sorry, anyways... I'm calling from England, you see... anyhow..."  
  
"No! Wait! This is Sirena..."  
  
Jayde quirked an eyebrow at Sirena. "Who is it?"  
  
Sirena shrugged. "Some British lady..." she mouthed. "May I ask who's calling?"  
  
"This is Jo Rowling. I'm the author of..."  
  
"BULLSHIT YOU ARE!" Sirena blurted, laughing. "J, this lady says she's JK!"  
  
Jayde chuckled. "Nutter..."  
  
"You can call me Jo, if you want, Ms. Lupin," the woman said, slightly alarmed.  
  
Sirena rolled her eyes. "If you're JK Rowling, then answer me this..."  
  
"Anything... well..." she paused. "Almost anything."  
  
"Why does Snape have no sex life?"  
  
JK Rowling's blink of alarm was nearly audible before she laughed. "Actually, that was what I wanted to talk to you and Jayde about. You seem to have a... different perspective on the character of Severus Snape... and Lucius Malfoy, for that matter... You've portrayed them far more... spiffy and... pink than I ever would have imagined..." she paused. "I love it."  
  
It was Sirena's turn to blink in alarm. "...sorry?"  
  
"You might say I was looking for a... shiny and new perspective for the third movie..."  
  
Sirena pulled the phone away from her face. "She's looking for a shiny and new perspective for Azkaban!"  
  
"How can you make Azkaban shiny and new? Dress the Dementors in spiffy pink bikinis?" Jayde paused, then glanced from Sirena to her computer and back to Sirena. "Wait... She… Does that mean what I think it means?"  
  
Sirena shrugged and turned her attention back to the phone. "Um… Ms. Rowling…"  
  
"Call me Jo, dear. I think we'll be rather close by the time this is over, don't you?"  
  
The pieces started clicking together in Sirena's head. "When what is over?" she asked suspiciously.  
  
"Well," Jo said, "The papers aren't quite ready yet, and you'll have to find a solicitor to go over the information with you, but I really hope that you'll decide to accept my offer. I want you two here, onset, helping Alfonso and Steven with the directing and the script."  
  
"WHAT?" Sirena screeched into the phone.  
  
A string of noisy bursts of excitement mixed with obscenities could be heard from the girls' room that night, as they celebrated their "victory."

The girls found themselves on a plane headed for England in no time.   
  
They had been given a copy of the cast list and the script so they could prep themselves for the first day of shooting they would attend (only a _day_ after they arrived on set!), and Jayde and Sirena had indulged in that for a while. But, as most teenage girls do, they got bored with the script and decided to move on to more productive things.   
  
Sirena had taken to freaking out the adults and small children in the seats behind them. She turned away from her victims after a final hiss and lunge, and focused on her friend. She was peering between the seats of the plane, giggling softly to herself.  
  
"What'cha lookin' at?" Sirena asked her friend.   
  
Jayde looked away from the small gap in the chair. "Chamber of Secrets," she said, giggling, "the kids are watching it."  
  
Sirena pushed Jayde away from the gap in the seats and caught sight of Jason Isaacs on the small screen of the DVD player positioned between the two small children in the seats in front of them. "Ooooh...." she whispered, "shiiiiny..."  
  
Jayde giggled again. "We just HAVE to get him, don't we?"  
  
Sirena nodded. "Oh, yes," she said, eyes still focused on the little screen, "he _will_ be in this movie."

* * * 

  
  
Eight hours and many, many miles found their feet planted safely on London soil. Jayde was on the phone with her fretting mum and Sirena was, once again, freaking people out. Of course, now that she wasn't in a plane, it was actually frightening. Even Jayde was scared a little. "Eh, Sirena! Mum wants to know if we've found that escort person that Warner said would be here...?"  
  
Sirena poked the man in front of her, whose face acquired a deer-in-headlights look, and nodded. "This'll be him," she said. "See? He's got the sign that says 'LUPIN.'"  
  
"We found him. He looks positively scared, though. I wonder why... well, I'll call you again when we get to the set. We've got a meeting, I think, right after we get there. But, um, I'll talk to you after that." Jayde didn't wait for a response from her mum and flipped the top of the flip phone down. "I've always wanted to do that," she told the frightened man that Sirena continued to poke, "you know, like the important people in movies? I'm an important person now."  
  
The man blinked and pointed to the door. "Um... we.... Um."  
  
"Um?" Sirena said, poking harder. "Um what?"  
  
"We. Um. I'm supposed to take you to the set."  
  
Sirena nodded. "Yes, we got that. Why don't you have an accent?"  
  
"Accents are pretty," Jayde added. "I can't wait to hear Dan and Tom... mmmmm..... _Potter!_" she said, imitating a British accent rather poorly. "_Potter! Potter! Potter!_"  
  
Several of the people in the airport looked at her oddly.  
  
"Are you all right?" one man asked her.  
  
Jayde's face broke out in a wide, Cheshire cat-esque smile. "I'm _SPIFFY!_" she cried out, "_POTTER!_"  
  
"Don't mind her," Sirena told the man, "she's just forgotten her meds. Jayde, doll, let's follow the nice man to the car, and I'll give you your pills out there..."  
  
"_POTTER!_" Jayde cried one more time before Sirena dragged her out of the airport, following the frightened man.

Sirena was about to shove Jayde into the vehicle, as the frightened man had just opened the door for her to do so, but the car itself then caught her eye and she let go of Jayde (who bounced in place chanting 'Potterpotterpotterpotterpotter'). "Shiiiiinyyyyy....."  
  
The frightened man fidgeted with his hands and cleared his throat. "Hrm yes... well... if you would kindly... get her in there? ...PLEASE?"  
  
Sirena snapped out of her reverie of the shiny limo long enough to push Jayde in and jump in herself. The man shut the door and got into the drivers seat just before he realized his one vital mistake...  
  
Sirena gave Jayde her pills just before she spotted the mini-fridge and pulled it open. Jayde's eyes widened. "Sirena... what are you..."  
  
"Oooooh.... booooooze...."  
  
"Sirena... Sirena, NO!"

Sirena grabbed at the bottles, but before she could actually get hold of anything, Jayde had smacked her hands away. "No touchie!" the black haired girl screamed. "Bad, bad Sirena!" She looked around for a newspaper she could hit her friend with, but, alas, there wasn't one to be found.  
  
She settled, instead, for thwapping her friend in the head with the three hundred page script in her hands.  
  
Sirena slowly pulled her hand out of the little fridge. "What was that for?"  
  
Jayde looked from the script to her friend and then back to the script. She shrugged. "You can't get drunk yet. We have to make a good first impression on Alfonso. And Jo, of course."  
  
"But... she already loves us!"  
  
Jayde arched an eyebrow. "But does Alfonso? We have to be totally... normal."  
  
Sirena shrieked. "How dare you speak the... the... N WORD!"  
  
"I didn't say N Sync!"  
  
Another shriek. "There you go again, cursing up a bloody storm!"  
  
"I'm not cursing at all!" Jayde cried, walloping Sirena with the scrip again. Sirena grabbed it, and they both played tug of war with the script for a moment before the pages ripped in half and went flying around the limo.  
  
The girls, wide-eyed, turned to each other. "Ummm..." they both said.  
  
"I think 'we're fucked' summarizes it nicely." Sirena said.  
  
Jayde looked around her. "Couldn't have said it better myself."

Sirena sighed, attempting to gather the pages, but she found her balance was rather impaired, as they were in a moving limousine. She crossed her arms and sat back down. "Well... what's the works Alfonso can do, anyway? Spank us?" she paused. "Actually, that could be fun..."  
  
"/Speaking/ of fun, have you spoken with your cast replacement yet?" Jayde asked.  
  
Sirena nodded enthusiastically. "He's flying in from New York this evening."  
  
"Where's he staying?"  
  
Sirena shifted nervously, a bit of colour coming to her face.  
  
"Sirena..." Jayde warned.  
  
"Well... we won't DO anything while you're in the room... you know... aside from sleep," she whined slightly. There was a pause and Jayde arched an eyebrow. "Ok, ok... so maybe some groping... but nothing you'll know about. Promise."  
  
Jayde sighed. "You're incorrigible."  
  
"And you're any better?"  
  
"Well... no, no I suppose not." 


	3. Third Things Third

**Title:** From PoA to PoRN (02)

**Author Name:** SpongeBob (AKA The Collective Mind of Jayde and Sirena Lupin)

**Author E-Mail:** iloveseverus@yahoo.com 

**Summary:** When Emily Finch's dad, gaffer extraordinaire on the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban set, finds his daughter reading a disturbing fanfiction on the Internet, he starts a chain reaction of events that bring the authors -- and their minds -- to the set.  JKR wants them to make a great film, but they have a deadline:  The movie must still be out by June 4, 2003.  Can they do it?  Will they kill someone in the process?  Will Jayde ever really get her H/D? (the answers are yes, yes, and no, but not in that order.)

_This Chapter:_ The girls arrive, and the End Times begin.  Whee.

**Rating**: R/NC-17?

**Category**: Humour/Parody

**Warnings**: Slash, het, cross-gen het, cross-gen slash, allusions to incest, teens perving on men old enough to be their (grand)fathers, Slash, crude language, crude humour, sexuality, chains and whips (and not that way!), Slash, naked boys, naked girls, naked household pets, naked wild animals, and the all too often use of the phrase "y tú mama, tambien."  THIS FIC INCLUDES REAL PEOPLE.  Wh00t.

**Archive:** Here, there, and anywhere on request

**Author's Notes:**  Sorry for the delay, people.  We _do_ have lives, you know!

**_DISCLAIMER:_**  This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  Additionally, this fic uses the names of real people in the credits of the Harry Potter movies (and not just stars, too!).  We do not know these people.  We merely used their names to add a depth to the fic, because if a movie set just had actors and no gaffers, there would be no movie.  Props to Warner and all the people who made the two (three?) movies possible.  We don't mean no harm!

From PoA to PoRN 

_By SpongeBob_

"Alfonso's not going to be happy, Jo."  
  
"That's too bloody bad for Alfonso, isn't it?" Jo snapped back. "Last I checked this was _my_ movie, not his."  
  
"Well, yes. But, still, we are going on his vision for this film-"  
  
"His vision has just been vetoed."  
  
The small, weak, Warner Brothers mini-executive backed away, frightened. "Ms. Rowling," he said, voice quaking, "there's no need to snap."  
  
"Oh, yes there is," Jo said, rounding on the weak man. "When I signed that contract, Warner let me have the rights to veto the director's decisions. I have thus far let Chris and now Alfonso take this movie franchise wherever it's going. Now, though, I am exerting my executive veto power and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" She abruptly stopped speaking, as the urge to laugh maniacally had come over her. After three deep breaths, and one small 'bwah!', Jo turned away from the man and stomped down the hall of the sound studio where their meeting was supposed to take place.

---  
The girls arrived on-set remarkably intact and sober... if not terribly hyper. Sirena poked Jayde in the shoulder repeatedly. "We're here!"  
  
Jayde paused, grinned, and turned slowly to look at Sirena. As if on cue, both shrieked.  
  
JK Rowling laughed to herself. "That must be them now."  
  
---  
Alfonso stared at Jo in horror. "What?" he said after a moment, "I don't think I heard you right."  
  
Jo smiled awkwardly. "Oh, you heard me right," she replied. "Two girls are coming to help you out. They're excellent writers, brilliant, really."  
  
Alfonso boggled. "Why?" he croaked out.  
  
A voice came from behind Alfonso. "Because Gary Oldman's an ugly fuck, that's why!"  
  
He turned. Behind him was a girl with blue eyes and long auburn hair striped with black, which, judging by her attire, had to have been her favourite colour... aside from the silver and green striped tie that hung loosely from her neck. Next to her was a girl with black hair and brown eyes, dressed in a shirt that proudly told the world of her love of 'H/D', whatever that was.  
  
The black-haired girl giggled and stepped up to Alfonso, throwing an arm around his neck. "Happy cinco de mayo," she told him, still giggling.  
  
Alfonso blinked. "But.... But it's August 25th."  
  
She patted him on the head with her other hand. "I know," she said. "You're such a silly goose, Alfonso."  
  
He had a vague idea that this was going to be the worst ten months of his life.  
  
Jo put a hand on one of each of the girls' shoulders. "Now, Alfonso... these girls know the books inside and out... how many times have you read Azkaban?"  
  
Alfonso scratched his head and looked at the floor. "Well... I...ah... I hadn't. Part of my method was..."  
  
"Exactly why THEY'RE here," she cut in". "They are going to make this movie show everything that was written in the book, both in text and between the lines. How many times have you read it, girls?"  
  
Sirena and Jayde looked at each other once again, counting on their fingers and mumbling for a few moments. Finally, Jayde proudly exclaimed "More than fifty if you combine it."  
  
"That's what I thought," Jo said, a warm smile on her face. The smile quickly turned stern as she looked to Alfonso. "They have complete veto power, re-casting rights, and creative direction control. "  
  
Jayde and Sirena looked at each other, their grins, if possible, growing wider. "SCORE!!!"  
  
Alfoso groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Jo Rowling smiled widely, patting the girls' backs affectionately. "Now... let's make a /spiffy/ film."

"I think we need to get to know each other!" Sirena suggested, pulling the bewildered director and her friend onto the nearest sofa. "Jo, would you like to join us?"  
  
She smiled. "I'd love to, girls, but I have to go and threaten a few people at Raincoast, and harass my lawyer into dropping the charges against that site... Restricted Section, was it? Oh, well. I'm off!" Jo grabbed her shoulder bag off of the little table she had set it on earlier and waved cheerfully to the girls. "Don't kill him!" she called over her shoulder as she headed for the door.  
  
"We don't kill," Jayde called back, "we MAIM!" She turned to Alfonso. "You know maiming was a common practice in the 1500's? The Old English used to do it to their POWs. Of course, they weren't POWs then, they were treasonists, but... the point's still there. They used to maim."  
  
Alfonso blinked at the girl. "Who _are_ you?"  
  
"I am the Slashwraith."  
  
"Wrong fandom," Sirena reminded Jayde.  
  
"Oh, right," Jayde blushed, "Harry Potter. Well, that would make me... damn, I don't have a good name!"  
  
"QueenOfSlash?" Sirena suggested.  
  
Jayde shook her head. "Nah," she said, "too predictable. It has to be... innovative."  
  
"Slash elf?"  
  
The black haired girl screeched and bounced. "Slash elf, slash elf, slash elf!" she cried.   
  
"No, really," the bewildered director said, his eyes flicking between the two, "who _are_ you?"  
  
"Jayde and Sirena Lupin," Sirena said, pointing to Jayde and herself respectively. "We are here to make Azkaban spiffy."  
  
"...Spiffy?"  
  
Jayde nodded exuberantly. "Yesh, Alfonso Cuaron. Spiffy. Spunky. And, hopefully, pink!"  
  
"...Pink?"  
  
"You did a good job of it with Watson's damned ugly pink... thing... in those release pictures. Yech." Sirena looked around.

"I'm not responsible for costumes, " Cuaron muttered, dismissively. "Now, really... what on earth made Jo send two teenaged girls to help me?"  
  
"She must have seen the light," Jayde said, shrugging mildly.  
  
Sirena grinned. "D'you think she likes shiny things, J?"  
  
Jayde looked at her for a moment and shook her head. "Not half as much as you, dear."  
  
"Oh..." she said, slightly disappointed. "Well... she does like SPIFFY things..."  
  
Jayde nodded enthusiastically. "And SPUNKY things..."  
  
Alfonso watched the two, his head spinning. "Would you two mind...erm... DEFINING this... 'spiffy' and 'spunky'-type...thingy?"  
  
"It's a vision, Alfonso," Sirena said, gravely serious. "We have a VISION."

"A vision that includes many, many spiffy things." Jayde smiled brilliantly. "I'm sure we'll all learn to get along."  
  
Alfonso muttered something about doubting it, and went to leave the room.  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" Sirena cried, grabbing him by the arm and tugging him back into the room. "We." tug "Still." Tug. "Haven't." Tug. "Discussed." Tug. "CAST!"  
  
Alfonso sighed. "We _have_ the cast, Sirena."  
  
Sirena shook her head vehemently. "NO!" she cried, "OLDMAN IS NOT A CAST! HE IS A MONKEY! A MONKEY I SAY!"  
  
Jayde coughed.  
  
"MONKEY!" Sirena carried on, "A Monkey with no talent! No skill! And Ugly to boot!"  
  
Jayde coughed again. "And he's standing right behind me, isn't he?"  
  
The dumbfounded director and Jayde both nodded.  
  
"Fuck." Sirena turned, her eyes on Gary. "Not that I meant any of that..."  
  
Oldman sighed, shook his head, and walked away, muttering something about crazy fans.

Alfonso shot a Look (with a capital L) at Sirena. "Now that you've almost certainly lost me one of the FINEST actors ("MONKEY!" interjected Sirena.)on my cast, what do you plan to do about it?"  
  
Sirena smiled and stood up. She sauntered over to Alfonso and paused, almost as if she was going to perch on his lap (a gesture that made Mr. Cuaron Very Uncomfortable Indeed), before pulling a slip of paper out of her back pocket. A PINK slip of paper. She dropped it in his lap and sauntered back to her seat. "THIS is your cast. I expect you to have the necessary changes and additions made before we resume filming. I've taken care of Mr. Angel and Mr. Fiennes. You'll need to do the grovelling for Messrs. Biggerstaff and Isaacs," she said, smiling sweetly.  
  
Before Alfonso could get a word in, Jayde stood up and walked over with the more-than-slightly-abused-but-now-put-together-again script in hand. With a smile, she clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Now...I believe I have business with Mr. Kloves, as I've made my first round of edits..." She flipped through the pages idly.  
  
Alfonso's eyes burned with the overload of magenta writing.

He saw the words 'sexed up' and 'thoroughly shagged' before turning away in disgust. He groaned. "What are you two _doing_ to my movie?" he asked.  
  
Jayde blinked. "We're fixing it. We need to. It's yucky." She pointed to a passage half way down the fifth page. "See? Here? Aunt Marge doesn't _pat_ her dog. She roughly bangs it on the back-" Alfonso couldn't help but wonder if that was, perhaps, the only nonsexual edit. "Although it's not in the text," Jayde continued, "we can derive that from her personality -- frankly, a rough bitch -- and apply it to the text. It's called writing from context. Kloves needs to learn that."  
  
Sirena nodded. "And I have some costume issues I need to work out with... whomever is in charge of that! Cheerio!"   
  
The two girls took off in opposite directions, leaving a whirlwind of paper trailing behind them. Alfonso scooped up as much as he could into his arms and wondered exactly how long it would take for Jesus to come again.

---  
  
Judianna Makovsky and Amanda Knight each held a bottle of Excedrin, contemplating how many they could take without risking overdose.  
  
--- (90 minutes earlier) ---  
  
Sirena Lupin beamed.  
  
"Ladies," she said sweetly, "I don't want to be an Umbridge here with official decrees and that... but I DO have a few... requests for changes in the current costumes." She arched an eyebrow at Amanda, the makeup designer, who looked as though she was about to make a swift escape. "In addition, I have a few... concerns regarding te current state of the makeup on the male characters."  
  
Amanda blinked. "Such as?"  
  
"They aren't wearing HARDLY enough eyeliner, for starters Ms. Knight, but we'll get to that. Right NOW I'd like to discuss the complete and utter lack of leather trousers on the arse of Tom Felton..."  
  
"Ms. Lupin, we are bound by the specifications of Hogwarts Uniforms..."  
  
Sirena stared at Judianna for a moment. "Are you or are you not a female?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Are you of a sexual preference that incldes, at least in some degree, the male gender?"  
  
"Of course! I mean, I..."  
  
"Make it happen, Ms. Makovsky, and I want leather on Lucius as well," Sirena said cooly, shuffling her papers and preparing to move onto the next topic.  
  
"But ah... Ms. Lupin? Mr. Isaacs isn't IN this movie..."  
  
Sirena looked up at her and, slowly, a disturbing sort of smile made its way to her lips. "I've already taken care of it."  
  
Judianna and Amanda turned and looked at each other, fear and alarm running rampant over their features.  
  
"Now, I believe we have the issue of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin to be covered..."  
  
"What about them?"  
  
"Both the original actors are in the process of being sacked. You'll need to take the measurments for our replacements and for the sex-stunt doubles that will be seen in the rest of the movie. In addition, Ms. Knight, I hope you have some VERY pale bases and a LOT of black eye makeup because between our new Sirius and myself..."  
  
"YOU?!" both said, alarmed.  
  
Sirena sighed exasperatedly, bringing the heel of her hand to her pale-as-death forehead. "Did I not SAY there were to be sex-stunt doubles? I HIGHLY doubt that Messrs. Snape, Lupin, Black, Malfoy, and Malfoy, among others, would be very comfortable with the idea of sex with Ms. Watson and/or Ms. Wright. Now, can we continue, please? I haven't got all day. I've still got to speak with the casting people and pick up our new Sirius tonight..."  
---  
  
Meanwhile, in the office of Steven Kloves...


	4. Forth Things Forth

"Look, Mr. Kloves -- may I call you Steve?"  
  
The man nodded dumbly and blinked at the girl, who had busted in demanding that he rewrite a movie he'd worked months -- MONTHS -- on.  
  
"How about Butch? Can I call you Butch?"  
  
He blinked again. "No!" he exclaimed after a moment. "No you may not call me Butch!"  
  
Jayde shuffled through her papers. "Weeelll...." she smiled and plopped the very, very large, very, very familiar stack of papers onto his desk. "The name fits. But that's beside the point."  
  
"Oh?" he asked, gingerly picking up the stack of papers. There were glaring pink -- or was it magenta? He couldn't tell in the lit of his office -- marks all over. Pages upon pages of inserted scenes and dialog he could have sworn he'd read before.  
  
"The point is," Jayde said, waving another paper in front of his face, "I've permission to hack this.. gem.." she made a face at the papers on the desk, then smiled brilliantly at Steve and continued. "and make it presentable. Of course, as it stands, this script -- if you dare call it that--"  
  
"Hey!" Steve interjected. "This is a brilliant piece of work."  
  
She smiled sirenly. "Did the yes-men at Warner tell you that, sweetie, or did the fans?"  
  
He sniffed. "I've had loads of people -- including JK herself--"  
  
Jayde waved the paper in front of him again. "No wonder this script is shit, you can't even read! Can you not see who gave me permission to tear the living shit out of this script?"  
  
He read the signature at the bottom of the paper and his ears turned red. "JK herself..."  
  
"Take a point for Hufflepuff, Mr. Kloves. Keep it up and you might win the house cup."   
  
Sirena poked her head in the door. "J, luv... I'm gonna go get Siri. Am I correct in assuming you... ah... don't wish to attend?" a cheeky-though-almost-bashful look crossed her features.  
  
"Nooooooooooooo," Jayde replied. "I'll just sit here and not have my brain fall out of my head, watching you two get up to it."  
  
She grinned and giggled slightly. Looking in a bit further, she winked at Stephen. "Hey there, Stevey boy! Must dash!"   
  
"Have a ball!" Jayde told her friend, waving her out of the room. She thought for a second. "Wait! Don't have one!"  
  
"I'll have two, with a side of sausage!" she called back,laughing, as she made her way down the hall.  
  
Steve groaned.   
  
"Steve! Don't get horny!" Jayde scolded him. "Now, back to this piece of shit you call a script..."  
  
Meanwhile, the redhead raced down the hallway of the big scary WB building and out the front door. The blur of black-streaked auburn was ushered into a limo as soon as she'd left the front door. "Airport, please!" she said, more than a little out of breath.  
  
Without her counterpart to help her, Sirena was considerably less bouncy. As she was finally en route to meeting a href="http://www.crissangel.com/criss_angel_mindfreak/pic%20sets/Houdini%20Homage/pages/AF-Chains.htm"the new Sirius/a, she was rather on the nervous side, all things considered. She must have corrected her hair five hundred times in the mirrored ceiling of the limo before the driver announced their arrival. Taking several deep breaths, she walked with her head high and chest out to terminal 7A, where flight g08661 from New York was arriving.   
  
She had to stand on her tip-toes, as being 5'2 was not exactly conducive to searching out a crowd... however, the crowd seemed to part, forming a path directly to...  
  
"a href="http://www.crissangel.com/criss_angel_mindfreak/pic%20sets/Houdini%20Homage/pages/AF-Chains.htm"Mr. Angel/a, I presume?" she asked, her voice fighting a quaver.  
  
He grinned and arched an eyebrow. "You must be Sirena."  
  
In a swift, graceful movement, he took her left hand and kissed it.  
  
Sirena's knees chose that moment to decide to malfunction, forcing Criss to find a rather creative method of bringing her back to the limosine and forcing us to bring the story back to Jayde for the sake of the rating.   
  
While Sirena and Criss had a lovely romp in NC-17-land, Jayde was trying hard to sort out the mess of a script Kloves had written.  
  
"No, listen to me!" she cried, stomping her feet and acting generally four. "You. Can't. Do. That!"  
  
"They hate each other," Steve replied dumbly. "What else would I do with Harry and Draco?"  
  
Jayde blinked and shook her head, clearing away the cobwebs. "...There's a lot two teenaged boys can do."  
  
Steve made a face and groaned. "...that's disgusting."  
  
"Homophobe." She smiled and patted him on the head. "I've got another meeting! Look over the script changes."  
  
Steve sighed and picked up the hacked and quite pink script as Jayde flounced off the door and in the general direction of Tom Felton's trailer.   
  
While Jayde frolicked on her way to what may or may not later become an NC-17 adventure, Sirena and Criss finally decided that it was ok to leave the limousine. But only long enough to get to the hotel bed, as staying without sex for too long is terribly, terribly dangerous and neither wanted to cause issue for the other's health.  
  
When they finally decided that they'd had enough sex to keep themselves healthy for a good, solid ten minutes, they laid down comfortably together between the no-longer-crisp white sheets. "We have work to do," Sirena announced, albeit slightly muffled, as she was cuddled quite close to the new actor's chest.  
  
"Do we?" he asked, lazily.  
  
"Mhm," she groaned. "We have to go back to the set... erm... maybe tomorrow... and I have to kick Gary Oldman's ass and... ooh... grope YOUR ass... and you have to get all dirty and gross and narst-ay and play Sirius with a sexy British growl and..."  
  
"A sexy British growl?" he asked, in what sounded quite like the voice of god to Sirena's ears. In actuality, it was the Sirius voice Criss Angel had been practicing.  
  
Sirena blushed. "Perhaps not THAT sexy onset." Reluctantly, she peered up into his eyes with a weak smile. "We SHOULD go and get Jayde and show you to Alfonso and talk to Jo and all that..." Criss looked quite like this was the last thing on earth on his mind, as the current state of sexlessmess was beginning to affect his well-being. Sirena grinned as an idea popped into her head. "We can have more fun in the limousine..."  
  
They were dressed (sort of) and ready to go in three minutes flat.   
  
Sadly, Jayde's adventure to Tom Felton's trailer was cut short by running smack into Alfonso, who needed her in some conference room or another so they could talk to some big scary Warner Brother's executive about the new cast members and changes to the movie.  
  
They just had to wait for Sirena.   
  
"Where is our other little creative genius, anyways?" Jo asked Jayde from her seat on the other side of the long table.   
  
"Um. She. Um. Wen the airport."  
  
B. S. Mann looked interested. "Whatever for...?"  
  
"Sex- er - Sirius, I mean."  
  
Jo giggled like a schoolgirl. "She's found a new one then?"  
  
Jayde nodded vehemently. "Oh, yeah. So much better than Gary Oldman. He had to get an accent trainer because he's a yank like us, but apparently it all worked out."  
  
"That's good," B. S. said, nodding. "What do you think, Jo?"  
  
"I think the girls are going to do a wonderful job."  
  
Jayde smiled. "Thanks, Jo. We're trying, at least. Not much to work with. Your writer can't even bloody read."  
  
B.S arched an eyebrow. "What?"  
  
She giggled and blushed. "Well, he can read but not very well, you see. It's a long story and not a very funny one at that, so I'm going to just stop talking now and wonder about the health of the script I left with him."  
  
"I'm sure Steve is doing a wonderful job-"  
  
Jayde snorted. "Butch wouldn't know a wonderful job if it smacked him across the face with a salmon. His writing is deviod of any emotion save slapstick humour, subtle romance, and angst."  
  
B.S shrugged. "Well, it is a story about thirteen year olds."  
  
"I had a few more emotions than that when I was thirteen."  
  
Alfonso, frighteningly enough, found himself nodding in agreement. "She's got a point, hombre. Kids are emotional little creatures."  
  
"Gracias, Sr. Cuaron," Jayde said, and flashed him a quick smile.   
  
Before they carried out another word, the door to the meeting room flew open and Sirena and Criss fell into the room. 


	5. Interlude: In Which Purpose Is Found

The pair sat on the floor for a few minutes, catching their breath in the tangle of black and auburn waist-length tresses.  
  
The poor, poor limousine driver looked very pale as he nodded at the people at the table. "Brought these for yeh..." he said, before turning in a most dignified way on his heel, and running (the fuck) away.  
  
Sirena coughed, giggled, and rose to her feet, trying her best to look put-together with her trousers on backwards and the straps on her corset-style top falling off, due to the corset being almost entirely unlaced. Criss stood up behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders and shaking a rather large rats nest of hair from his face.  
  
Sirena winked at Jayde and grinned at Jo before clearing her throat. "I'd like you all to meet Sirius... Sirius, these are... the people."  
  
Criss laughed a bit at Sirena's ever-so-articulate delivery and lifted a hand to wave. "Hi," he said, succinctly, with as much dignity as could be mustered by a man who was trying to discreetly correct the cock-eyed buttoning scheme on his wrinkled white dress shirt.  
  
Jo's eyes glazed over slightly and her grin went from Criss to Sirena to Jayde to Alfonso and back to Sirena. "Oh, he's gooooooooood...." she said, before launching into another of her earth-shaking evil laughs.  
  
A collective blink of everyone in the room brought her to a halt. She coughed and resumed her business-like manner, albeit not without a few wayward glances at the still-dishevelled Mr. Angel. "Right... hrm... where were we, then?" she asked innocently, as the late arrivals finally took their seats.

"We were discussing the writer that can't read and the cast, actually."  
  
Sirena's eyes widened. "MONKEY!" she cried, remembering Gary Oldman. "We have to fire the monkey!"  
  
B.S looked confused. "Monkey?"  
  
Sirena turned in her lovely plush spinny chair to the executive. "The Monkey. Gary Oldman."  
  
B.S blinked. "We're firing Oldman?"  
  
"No," Jayde told him, "_WE'RE_ firing the monkey."  
  
"So you're replacing part of our star-studded cast," one of the yes-men said, glaring suspiciously at Sirena and Jayde, "with a second-rate magic man?"  
  
Jayde glared down her nose at the asshole across the table. "It's a movie about magic people, retard. Not star-studded actors."  
  
Sirena stood quickly. "Second RATE?!" She demanded. Jayde winced at the yes man as though to say 'now you've done it'. "SECOND RATE?!" she growled. Criss coughed, crossing his arms and looking highly affronted. "Who would you call a FIRST rate magician, Mr. Not-Important-Enough-To-Have-A-Fucking-Name?! David Been-jerking-off-too-hard-to-think-of-anything-truly-extraordinary-Blaine?"  
  
The yes-man cowered a bit as the redhead pounced onto the table crawling towards him. "MAGIC, Mr. Dickhead. This movie is about the ART of magic. If you can think of someone more TRULY magical and more TRULY devoted to that art than Mr. Angel, BY ALL MEANS, shoot."

Jayde snickered from her corner of the table. "Heh. Shoot. Like, shoot your load?"  
  
Criss coughed, trying not to pay too much attention to the view up Sirena's skirt, and gently tugged at her, so as to get her off the table. "This isn't about my credentials, luv... though I have a hard time believing they'll find anyone else who fits the bill quite as convincingly." With that, he arched an eyebrow in a decidedly Sirius-like cocky manner and backed off.  
  
The yes-man cowered in his chair. B.S. Mann thankfully stayed silent. Only JK dared speak.  
  
"Well, now that we've sorted out the cast issue..."  
  
"The issue has just begun," Jayde said. "We're canning Thewlis as well. And we want Isaacs and Biggerstaff back. Yesterday."  
  
"Isaacs?" B.S asked. "He's not even in the book!"  
  
Sirena, still slightly miffed, sniffed and crossed her arms. "Shows how much _you_ know. Dear old Hagrid goes to trial at the Ministry and Lucius just, how does Hagrid put it, Jayde?"  
  
Jayde smiled wide. "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter fifteen (The Quidditch Final), page two-ninty-two, eighth paragraph: '_An' then Lucius Malfoy stood up an' said his bit, and the Committee jus' did exac'ly what he told 'em..._.'"  
  
Everyone at the table -- JK included -- sat there and blinked for a while.  
  
"You see," Sirena said, breaking the silence, "we've put the trial into the movie. We think we need it. We'll be using details from Order of the Phoenix, of course, about how the Ministry is set up." Sirena looked at Jo. "Is the trial in the same room that Harry's was? Can we use that? Or would you rather it be a different one, since it's technically a different committee...?"  
  
Jo looked boggled for a second. "...A different one, if you don't mind...."  
  
Sirena smiled. "You see," she directed this at everyone in the room, "we're going for showing you places and things that'll show up in the next few movies. Like the Ministry. It'll add a nice touch that people who watch them all will be able to appreciate."  
  
"Not to mention it'll be spiffy for book-dorks like me who appreciate the book-similarities."

"Right," Sirena said, with a nod. "We want the canon to shine through in this work-"  
  
"-as well as the PRACTICALLY canon-" Jayde interjected, with a grin.  
  
"Exactly." Sirena grinned in a way eerily similar to her companion. "Ms. Rowling, it IS true that Scholastic prohibited you from writing some of the more... mature things that you wanted to include in your books, isn't it?"  
  
Jo nodded sadly with a sigh, pinching her nose. "It was awful. Most recently, with book five, I had written the most graphic, violent death for Hagrid imaginable, and then..."  
  
Her speech was interrupted by a sob from Sirena and a few sniffles from Jayde, both of whom were clinging tightly to a largely bewildered Criss Angel. Recovering faster than her visibly shaken counterpart, Jayde coughed. "Can we NOT talk about the fifth book?" she suggested, looking slightly pained by the mention of the work.  
  
Jo nodded, looking rather upset herself. B. S. Mann was looking more uncomfortable by the second. "Do you girls propose to insert scenes of... graphic DEATH in this film? Honestly, I mean... we DO have a PG-13 rating to keep, all things considered..."

Jayde looked confused. "Death?" she asked, bewildered. "Death? No, not _death_."  
  
Sirena sniffed and reluctantly disengaged herself from Criss. "No. Well. No death."  
  
"Death isn't good. Well, at least. No. Death bad."  
  
The girls were babbling. "Girls!" Jo exclaimed. The two of them stopped, shocked, and giggled. "You were babbling."  
  
"That happens whenever the misprint in book five is brought up."  
  
Jo arched an eyebrow. "Misprint?"  
  
"Page 806 and on. Giant misprint. I want my money back."  
  
Jo laughed. "I'll give you two copies of the unedited version if you do a good job..."  
  
The girls, eyes wide, were on their feet. "Un... Unedited? With Hagrid death?" Sirena gasped. They were both finding it hard to breathe.  
  
Jo nodded.  
  
Jayde and Sirena smiled deviously at each other. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've work to do."  
  
With that, the two all but ran from the room and towards everyone's favourite writer, who held in his hands the fate of two unedited copies of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.


	6. Fifth Things Sixth

Sirena and Jayde bounced out of the meeting with a purpose clear in their sights and a plan of action rapidly forming. As they left the building and frolicked onto the set, their focused eyes spotted Gary Oldman walking alongside the costume director, discussing something neither or the girls had any interest in.  
  
Sirena bounced, her crazy grin appearing. She squealed, poking Jayde in the arm repeatedly. "Can I do it now? Huh? Huh? Can I?"  
  
"Go for it," Jayde said, still engrossed in her search for Tom's trailer. There was casting work to be done. Actors to be trained. That sort of thing.  
  
Sirena cleared her throat in a very official sounding way before running ahead and grabbing Gary Oldman's shirt sleeve and turning him to face her. "Mr. Oldman."  
  
"...Yes?"  
  
She cleared her throat again and puffed herself up to her full height (which really wasn't very intimidating, at five feet and two inches). "You, sir, are fired."  
  
The costume director blinked and patted Gary on the shoulder. "Catch you later, mate..."  
  
Gary blinked several times at the short redhead standing before him. "Sorry, but... who the bloody fuck are you?"  
  
"Sirena Lupin, official consultant for canon control, sex coordinator, and overall spiffiness director in cooperation with Jayde Lupin, my partner. I... called you a monkey yesterday."  
  
Gary paused. "If you'll excuse me, I've got a scene and still have to get in to get in costume and makeup..."  
  
"No you haven't," Sirena said firmly, regaining her decourum. "I've just fired you."  
  
Gary sputtered for a moment. "I hardly think you're qualified to..."  
  
Sirena arched an eyebrow and clapped twice, a chain she held around her hand clanging as she did so. On the other end of the chain was a rather scantily clad Criss Angel, who ran up quickly to the redhead's side. "You see, Gary... this is your replacement. Where you are ridiculously non-sexable, he is an orgasm on legs. Where you are not shaped or built or even HAIRSTYLED like Sirius Black, he suits the role to a tee. Where you are old and feeble," she took a dramatic pause to grin in the most sinister of ways. "He is young, nubile, fleeexxxxible..." she groaned softly, eyes rolling back before she remembered her purpose and resumed her evil stance. "And ever so capable of kicking your arse physically, so" she clapped once more, in a very final way, "I'd say that solves it. Nothing personal, mate. I'm sure you'd have cut the part emotionally... but be a pal and clear out your trailer, before I set him on you, will you?"Alfonso did not take long to notice the casting change as, when he entered the makeup trailer, he was visually assaulted by Criss Angel in a black leather banana hammock. And ONLY a black leather banana hammock.  
  
"Where's Gary?" Alfonso asked, tersely.  
  
Sirena giggled in the sinister manner that had come to bring a sinking feeling to Alfonso's heart every time it appeared. She tangled her fingers in the long, black mane of hair before here with a grin. "We fired him."  
  
"What?" Alfonso screeched.  
  
Jayde looked up from the script. "Don't do that," she advised, "you sound like a girl when you do."  
  
Sirena tugged on her chain and gesticulated to Criss "I believe you've been introduced to our new Sirius Black."  
  
Alfonso blinked. "Oh... my... god..."  
  
"Y tu mama tambien!" Jayde added, her eyes drifting away from the script she was furiously writing on in bright pink pen.  
  
Again, Alfonso could do nothing but blink. "But..."  
  
"Shh, Alfonso," she whispered. "No talkie." She licked 'Sirius' as Alfonso turned to Jayde with a sigh.  
  
"What's his name, again?" he asked, resigned.  
  
"Se llama Criss Angel."  
  
Alfonso looked at the girl funny. "You know that I speak English, don't you?"  
  
She looked up from the script, annoyed. "Of course I do! You're speaking it right now. I just... am more fond of answering people in foreign languages. It confuses them. Of co

urse," she smiled brilliantly at Alfonso, "I don't expect you to be confused by espanol."  
  
Alfonso felt thoroughly confused, like he always did when he was around Jayde. "Um, all right," he said, and half jogged away from them down the hall. He was going to have a word with B.S. Mann.

"I _know_ we've spoken about it, Bihg, but... can't you _do_ something? Gary could have gotten a wig or something. They've got the new guy in a... a... a BOYKINI!"

B. S. Mann winced, as though the very idea pained him. Particularly in the genital region. "I'm afraid our hands are tied. Jo's given then full control. The best we can do is enforce the rating and hope that they don't try to insert any sex scenes...."

"How can you eat at a time like this?" Chuck cried as he watched Greg shovel Caesar Salad into his mouth. "We've got a dilemma, and you're bloody eating?"  
  
"I'm hungry," Greg said around a piece of lettuce. "And so I'm going to eat."  
  
"But!" Chuck waved his hands around manically, "But! It's a hostile takeover, it is! They've fired Gary! They've fired David! The black haired one's working with Kloves to 'fix' the script!"  
  
Greg snorted. "Gary can't act, David isn't fangirl material, and the script needed to be fixed."

Jayde flounced into the cafeteria. "Hi, everyone!" she called out, waving to the masses of crewpeople in the room. "How're you tonight?"

A few people bothered to look up from their food. No one answered. Jayde looked around at everyone and then turned and left.

A minute later, the door opened again. "Hi, everyone!" she called out, waving to the masses of crewpeople in the room. "How're you tonight?"

Again, there was no answer. She sighed wearily, turned on her heal, and left the room. The door slammed rather loudly behind her.

Five minutes later, the door opened again. "Hi, everyone!" Jayde called out, waving to the masses of crewpeople in the room. "Look! TITS!" She flashed the room and suddenly all eyes were on her. She smiled cheekily. "Now that I have your attention, senors and senoras, _how the fuck are you all doing tonight?_"

There was some mumbling and a general chorus of "fine". Jayde was satisfied. Just barely.

She ambled over to our two favourite random crewpeople. "Hi, boys," Jayde said as she walked by their table towards the buffet tables at the other end of the cafeteria, "How're you enjoying our hostile takeover?"  
  
She was off before either of them could utter a syllable.  
  
"I don't see what's so wrong with her. She doesn't seem so off," Greg stuffed another oversized piece of lettuce into his mouth. "It's the red head that worries me."  
  
Sirena perched herself on the end of the table and grinned manically. "As it should be."  
  
Chuck looked at Sirena and blinked for a moment, before turning back to Greg and shaking his head vehemently. "You've never had a conversation with her, have you? Or whatever constitutes as a conversation with her, at least. She'll come up to you and tell you random things you didn't really care to know."  
  
"In fact," said a voice from behind them, "I'm putting out a book. '10,001 Spiffy Facts for Everyday Conversation.'" Jayde smiled. "The title needs some work."  
  
Sirena arched a puzzled eyebrow over the heads of the men. "Why? I think it's...well... spiffy, actually...."  
  
The two men nodded, dumbstruck. Jayde's eyes drifted down the Caesar salad in front of Greg. "You know, Greg... There was a Roman emperor by the name of Lucius. Isn't that interesting? Ms. Rowling takes so much from history and astronomy... Well, I'm going to eat this..." she looked at the chicken and ham pie on her plastic lunch tray, "whatever it is. I'll see you two around!" She patted them both on the head and was off.  
  
Sirena tugged on the chain leash and Criss/Sirius followed soon after. She grinned wickedly. "And I've got my lunch right here... enjoy, you two..."  
  
Chuck groaned and pushed his own plate of chicken and ham pie away from him. Greg snorted and shoved another piece of lettuce into his mouth. "Lighten up, Chuck," he said around a mouthful of lettuce and dressing, "It could be worse."

Sirena tugged sharply on the leash, shooting a grin at her now leather-clad companion. "Come now, my lovely. It's time to pick up your new friend!" Her manic grin moved over to Jayde. "This one, I think you'll want to see."

Jayde nodded in affirmation, a similar manic grin finding her face as one word eeked out from her lips: "Slash."

Sirena nodded, petting Criss' hair. "Lots of it, too, I suspect. We have to hurry, though. He'll be here any minute and we want to give him a proper greeting at the gates."

Jayde didn't hear the last part because she was distracted. Very distracted. A flash of white blonde hair had her stopped dead in her tracks. "Me see... he... boy... pretty...."

Sirena looked back and groaned, grabbing Jayde by the shirt and pulling her along. "Of COURSE there will be pretty boys. We just need to go get Remus and the others will be in tomorrow. Come ON."

As Sirena pulled Jayde away from the retreating blonde hair, the deprived slasher screeched indignantly. She turned to kick Sirena in the leg, and when she turned back, successful smile on her face, Tom was gone.


End file.
